Why write one
Your must-play list tells the band what you love. The do-not-play list tells them what to avoid, and it can matter just as much. It keeps a guest's request from overriding your taste, spares family members a song tied to a painful memory, and saves you from the one line dance you swore you would never do at your own wedding.
Plenty of couples feel the same way. In 2017, FiveThirtyEight asked more than two dozen professional DJs, drawing on nearly 200 weddings, which songs couples banned. The Chicken Dance topped the list, with the "Cha-Cha Slide" and the "Macarena" next, according to Mental Floss's summary, and The Current noted that all of the top eight were group dances. HuffPost fairly called it not exactly a scientific survey, but it shows where feelings run strongest.
What goes on it
- Specific songs, with the artist, so there is no confusion between a hit and a cover.
- Whole genres or eras that are a hard no for you.
- Line dances and group dances you do not want to lead your family through, such as the Chicken Dance, the "Electric Slide" or the "Cupid Shuffle."
- Songs tied to painful memories for you or your families, including a song from a funeral or a past relationship.
- Explicit lyrics, if children or older relatives will be on the floor.
- Moments as well as songs: no slow songs after a certain hour, say, or no music for a bouquet toss you are skipping.
Be specific. Joy's playlist guide makes the point well: "no country" is vague, while naming the exact songs you never want to hear gives the band something it can act on. Joy also suggests reading the lyrics of anything you are unsure about, because a catchy song can turn out to be about a breakup.
A sample do-not-play list
| Type | Example entry | Why it works |
|---|---|---|
| Group dance | No Chicken Dance, no "Macarena" | Clear and specific |
| Genre | No heavy metal; classic rock is fine | Draws the line precisely |
| Painful memory | A named song and artist, marked as played at a family funeral | Tells the band why it matters |
| Moment | No slow songs after 10 pm | Protects the energy you want |
| Lyrics | Clean versions only while children are on the floor | Avoids awkward moments |
Each entry is something a band can act on in the moment, without calling you over to ask.
Keep it short enough to be useful
Joy suggests 10 to 20 songs, and that is a sensible ceiling. Ban what you truly dislike and trust the band with the rest. The longer the list, the harder it is for musicians to read the room and play to your guests, including the ones who love a song you would never choose.
A useful middle ground is a play-only-if-requested list: songs you can live with if a guest asks, but would not pick yourself.
Ask your families
Before you finalize the list, ask your parents and grandparents whether any song carries a memory they would rather not relive at your wedding. They may not think to mention it unless you ask, and it is far easier to leave a song off the list than to watch someone you love walk off the dance floor.
The must-play list is the other half
A do-not-play list works best next to a clear must-play list. Start with the songs for your special moments: the entrance, the first dance, the parent dances, the cake cutting and the last dance. Then add the handful of songs that must happen at some point in the night.
Keep the must-plays short as well. A band with a dozen must-plays and a feel for your taste will build a better night than a band handed a hundred songs to play in order. Tell them the artists and decades you love, and let them fill in the rest.
How to hand it to your band
Send your do-not-play list to your band together with your must-plays, in the same document and at the same time, so nothing gets separated. Make sure the person running the music on the night has it, as well as whoever booked you.
Then share it with your planner and your emcee. An after-party DJ or a separate ceremony musician needs the same list. Send a final version a few weeks before the wedding and mark anything that changed, because one current document beats three emails with partial lists.
When a guest asks for a banned song
Guests will ask. Agree on the answer in advance: a good band declines politely, says the song is not on your list tonight, and offers something close to it instead. If a parent insists, the band should come to you or your planner rather than decide alone.
Decide, too, whether anyone can overrule the list. You might give a parent one request that skips the rules, as a gift. If you do, tell the band who it is.